Wednesday, May 31, 2006
On Making the World a Better Place
The whole world should convert to Catholocism. Whenever they do bad things, then they just repent. No harm done.
Friday, May 26, 2006
On Attending AA...
Scorpion: I'd go to an AA meeting if it were for work or research or something.
GL: It's not a zoo.
Scorpion: I would go to the zoo!
GL: It's not a zoo.
Scorpion: I would go to the zoo!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
On the District of Columbia...
I think DC should just be monuments and museums and such. They should move the government somewhere else. Like, underground or something. In bunkers.
On Alternative Transportation...
Whatever happened to hovercars and such? They talked about them in the oldendays - the 70s. We're supposed to have flying cars by now. I want a hovercar.
On Dealing Drugs
Scorpion: "The only thing stopping me from dealing drugs is that I could not survive in prison."
JS: "That's the only thing??"
Scorpion: "Yeah."
JS: "That's the only thing??"
Scorpion: "Yeah."
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Ask the Scorpion...
DS: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Scorpion: Steak wrapped in bacon with a hotdog in the middle.
Scorpion: Steak wrapped in bacon with a hotdog in the middle.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Ask the Scorpion...
Knut asks:
Dear Scorpion,
I want to be Gwen Stefani. Does this mean I'm a fag*?
Sincerely,
Knut
-------------------------------------------------
Scorpion's reply:
"That's not right. No dude should want to be a girl."
*Note: Team Scorpion does not endorse the use of the word "fag".
Dear Scorpion,
I want to be Gwen Stefani. Does this mean I'm a fag*?
Sincerely,
Knut
-------------------------------------------------
Scorpion's reply:
"That's not right. No dude should want to be a girl."
*Note: Team Scorpion does not endorse the use of the word "fag".
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
On Dinner Choices
It doesn't matter, as long as there's meat on it.
On Leafing Through Medical Records...
GL: Dude, you don't want to have to look through medical records. It sounds like fun, but it's really pretty boring.
Scorpion: Not if you reenact what you read. You know, put on little plays and such.
Scorpion: Not if you reenact what you read. You know, put on little plays and such.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Young Homeless
Scorpion: "There are a lot of homeless people in Portland, right?"
TA: "Yes, but no more than I've seen here in DC."
Scorpion: "Yeah, but they're young homeless people. Not like the old, crazy homeless people here."
TA: "Yes, but no more than I've seen here in DC."
Scorpion: "Yeah, but they're young homeless people. Not like the old, crazy homeless people here."
African Safari
Scorpion: "We should go to Africa. I'm not sure how much tickets are."
DS: "I'm sure they're a lot."
Scorpion: "No, we'll go to Liberia or something."
DS: "I'm sure they're a lot."
Scorpion: "No, we'll go to Liberia or something."
On Co-Workers' Mortality
DS: "'Appetite For Destruction' was released 20 years ago. "
Scorpion: "Does that remind you of your own mortality?"
Scorpion: "Does that remind you of your own mortality?"
White Collar Crime
If I were head of a major corporation, people would disappear on my watch. It would be one of those wink-wink, nod-nod kinda deals. I dunno. My underlings would do it. ... Maybe they'd be sent to a nice island, or his wife would mysteriously win the lottery.
Monday, May 15, 2006
On Tolerance...
After the Scorpion had at least 9 drinks on Friday night:
AA: So, Scorpion, did you learn your limit?
Scorpion: Yeah.
AA: What is it?
Scorpion: I have no idea.
AA: So, Scorpion, did you learn your limit?
Scorpion: Yeah.
AA: What is it?
Scorpion: I have no idea.
Ask the Scorpion...
Anonymous Writes:
What if dealing drugs is the only way you can support your family? Is it wrong to steal to feed your family?
The following conversation ensued:
Scorpion: It's not wrong.
DS: What if I had to steal some of your candy to feed my family?
Scorpion: You don't have a family.
DS: And you don't have any candy, but that's not the point.
Scorpion: I have candy!
\The Scorpion's written answer is:
Dear Anonymous,
Dealing drugs to support your family is not right, because drugs hurt other people and you should not do anything that will hurt other individual, oh, its okay to sell drugs to rich people to support your family, rich people don't count. No, its not wrong to steal to feed your family, but its wrong to steal. If you're going to steal, try to steal from the rich, like Robin Hood.
What if dealing drugs is the only way you can support your family? Is it wrong to steal to feed your family?
The following conversation ensued:
Scorpion: It's not wrong.
DS: What if I had to steal some of your candy to feed my family?
Scorpion: You don't have a family.
DS: And you don't have any candy, but that's not the point.
Scorpion: I have candy!
\The Scorpion's written answer is:
Dear Anonymous,
Dealing drugs to support your family is not right, because drugs hurt other people and you should not do anything that will hurt other individual, oh, its okay to sell drugs to rich people to support your family, rich people don't count. No, its not wrong to steal to feed your family, but its wrong to steal. If you're going to steal, try to steal from the rich, like Robin Hood.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
On Hailing Taxis...
What if you just walked around with a gong?
On Environmentalists...
GL: I'm not sure I'd like to be called an "environmentalist". It comes with so many negative stereotypes.
Scorpion: Like drug dealing and such?
Scorpion: Like drug dealing and such?
On the American Dream...
Scorpion: Without the myth of the "American Dream", society would go into decline.
GL: Is it worth it, though? To have everyone deluded into thinking they can be anything they want to be?
Scorpion: Why not?
GL: Is it worth it, though? To have everyone deluded into thinking they can be anything they want to be?
Scorpion: Why not?
On Dover, Delaware...
Actually, there's nothing really good about Dover.
On Wal-Mart...
I wouldn't mind working for Wal-Mart. Like, that "me against the world" kind of mentality. That would be kind of cool.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Religion
I think I'm religious. I'm not sure.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
On Stress...
GL: I'm doing an exercise on stress. Figuring out things that aren't important enough to worry about. Think about it. What's the least important thing that you're stressed about?
Scorpion: Lunch?
Scorpion: Lunch?
Friday, May 05, 2006
On Squash Being Disgusting...
Wrap it in bacon.
On Fighting Animals...
Anonymous writes,
Whats the toughest animal to fight?
Anonymous,
Killer Whale.
Whats the toughest animal to fight?
Anonymous,
Killer Whale.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
On Alligator Farming....
Scorpion: If you own an alligator farm, sooner or later you're going to want to wrestle an alligator.
AA: But what if you owned a chicken farm? Does that mean that you'd eventually want to wrestle a chicken?
Scorpion: No, you chase them.
AA: But what if you owned a chicken farm? Does that mean that you'd eventually want to wrestle a chicken?
Scorpion: No, you chase them.
Ask the Scorpion...
M.A. Writes,
I am going camping to in northern Canada with some buddies. Should I be worried about being mauled by bears?
M.A.,
Didn't some people get mauled in Pennsylvania or something? I don't know. I wouldn't worry too much about getting mauled. They go by smell. They're attracted to smell, so don't take a shower. Don't take a shower and don't put on deodorant or cologne. And make sure to put your food up in a tree. Better yet, get two sets of food: one for you and one for the bears. Also get a gun. Just in case.
I am going camping to in northern Canada with some buddies. Should I be worried about being mauled by bears?
M.A.,
Didn't some people get mauled in Pennsylvania or something? I don't know. I wouldn't worry too much about getting mauled. They go by smell. They're attracted to smell, so don't take a shower. Don't take a shower and don't put on deodorant or cologne. And make sure to put your food up in a tree. Better yet, get two sets of food: one for you and one for the bears. Also get a gun. Just in case.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Scorpions don't wear shorts
Scorpion: "I'm not a 'shorts' guy."
DS: "What do you wear when jogging?"
Scorpion: "Shorts."
DS: "What do you wear when jogging?"
Scorpion: "Shorts."
Monday, May 01, 2006
On Explaining Complicated Scenarios...
GL:"I don't think the Attorney General is going to be able to figure this out."
Scorpion: "Maybe if you broke it down. Explain it to him like he was a child. You know, with candy. And buckets. You get some buckets and some M&Ms and you say this much goes in this one and this one goes in this one."
GL: "I'm not sure you can explain everything using candy and buckets."
Scorpion: "Sure you can. You have to cut the M&Ms into pieces, though."
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